...And it Comes To an End.

I believe that one of the benefits of staying married and enduring all the trials a marriage goes through as they raise their children is happiness. Throughout the whole semester we have discussed how we need to move away from the "natural" and create something "divine." As we work to make our marriage divine, our families are more likely to become divine.

So where does it start??

Family of Origin (The family you were born into.)
Dating
Courting
Engagement
Marriage
Baby
Middle Children years
Teen years
Last Child
Empty Nesters
(Now the married couple usually redefines their relationship)
Retirement
Care for Parents
Death

Usually when someone is passing through their "mid-life crisis" it is because they are asking themselves, "Have  I made a significant contribution? What am I leaving behind? Are my children a product of who I am and will contribute to society?" They are trying to find their sense of meaning again. Happiness comes through seeing all that you have gone through and still ending up on top in the end. When we have an eternal perspective, we are able to make better choices as we rear our families and gain eternal memories.

Who Gets Married to Get Divorced?

No one does.

When we fall in love with that "special someone" the last thing we think is, "I can't wait to get divorced." Even then we don't think, "If I got divorced, I'd want to get remarried."

I believe a divorce is not really what they want. What is wanted is change. A good change, a change that will keep their family and relationship together in a way that will help them be happy. As we distance ourselves in a relationship though, we can choose fight or flight. We don't want to get hurt, so distancing ourselves seems logical. But as we do so, the more complaining that takes place, and the more defensive we become, the more distant we are. That will them turn into avoidance.

How does divorce and remarriage affect children?

• They have to decide which parent to live with, which can be traumatizing.
• Child can become a mediator.
• Struggles in school.
• A loss of resources.
• Try to please all the parents.
• There can be a lack of respect of step-parents.
• Guilt and shame

When it comes to discipline, the biological parent should give the "hard discpline."
Also, the step-parent should give the role of being an aunt or uncle.

Marriage needs to be the foundation of a family. So work on the marriage is important for the family to be strong. No one wants to get married to get divorced. 

Choices, Choices, Choices

There are so many choices that we have to make in this life, and there are some pretty important and significant ones that we must make. Some of these choices are to get married, or not to, to have children or not to, if the marriage goes "bad" to get a divorce, or not to, and lastly to remarry or not to.  I BELIEVE that there would be more marriages, children and stronger families if all people had the restored gospel and choose to follow it. Since we have the Holy Ghost to help us make the correct decisions, it would allow us to want to get married, have children (and not just a couple), and stay together building a righteous eternal family.

I understand that when and how many children a married couple wants to have is between them and the Lord. There are many people delaying having children, methods are birth control, abortion, and simply having fewer children.

I want to be an involved parent, but not a helicopter mother. As we have children, we have to have already decided what type of parenting styles we want to use.  I want to be authoritative and think that is best for any child. Many fights can be avoided if parents simply gave their children options or choices. God always gives us a choice and we have our agency to choose right or wrong. As we live the gospel and have Christ centered homes, we are able to build a strong foundation. When we bring God into our family, it lives because He is able to touch us. As parents I think it is part of or responsibility to create an environment in which the spirit can dwell so all can seek and gain revelation.

As we live the gospel in our families, they will be happier, we can be better at avoiding divorce, therefore avoiding having to remarry.

Family Thanksgiving

I think that for the most part, holidays can bring families closer together, but I also think that because it can be a high stress time, it's harder to see the lovin'. It was weird to see how my family structure has changed over time. I noticed it the most during this break because neither of my siblings were there. Everything just felt different. I'd say everything was more relaxed and calm. We always want everything to turn out just right, but I feel like we just played things by ear and weren't as stressed as other times. Most families probably put a lot of effort into  holidays and it shows. As we work together towards a common goal and have learned to communicate effectively, there is love at home.

Do People Understand You?

Yep, that's basically the way it happens.

The way someone communicates really does tell about about them, who they are, their personality, ideas they have, their perspective, how they cope with different situations, how they feel, and what they think. This can happen through words, lack of words, tone of voice, and non-verbal communication. 

There are many times that people can clearly understand what our point is, and others that have no idea what point we are trying to get across. This is either because the receiver doesn't understand the message presented, or the giver is not expressing themselves in a clear manner for the other person to understand. It might be clear to one person and not the other, and that is why it is so important to have effective communication skills.

DID YOU KNOW?

Verbal
Words- 14%
Tone- 35%
Non-verbal 51%

So when communicating, there is actually being more communicated by your nonverbal and your tone of voice, than it is with your actual words.

Build people up in every conversation so that you can always communicate in a positive way.
There is great power that comes with someone who can communicate well.

Do you communicate well?
Do people understand you?
Can you decode what people communicate to you?

And remember instead of getting defensive in a conflict, communicate compassion and see what changes.

Crisis

When a family crisis occurs, the family can either be ripped apart or can pull them closer than they had ever been. A crisis can be anything from a death of a family member, to health problems, to divorce, to even having a new baby. Something interesting is that a family crisis is not always a bad thing though there is a bad connotation to it when we here the word.

Below is how the Japanese write the word "Crisis." It is "danger" and "opportunity" put together to understand they are saying "crisis." So we can see that there is an opportunity to grow though it may be a bumpy ride. When we go through a crisis we can turn inward and our family will support each other to get through it, or they will find support elsewhere and their whole family system could change. Below is an image of the word "Crisis" in Japanese. 





We can't control everything that happens in our lives, but we can control the choices we make. Learning to mentally let things go will help one not be depressed or have anxiety.

With the Symbolis Systems Theory, we can see how a crisis is represented:

A- actual event

B- resources and responses (how people utilize their resources)

C- cognitions
X - TOTAL EXPERIENCE

Think of some crisis' your family went through. How did your family react? How did you react? Did it change your family? Was your family pulled closer together and pushed apart?
How did you cope (or deal with the situation)?

During a crisis choose to allow that opportunity to bring family members closer together and endure through the trial.

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” ~ Elder Holland

Intimate or..."Into your mate"

 Marital (Sexual) Intimacy

Those with the most satisfying intimate relations are:
~Married couples
~The middle ages

Men usually want physical intimacy first and then as a result feel safe, care, and a closeness to the other person.Women usually need to feel safety, care and closeness first and then as a result they would physical intimacy. Sexual intimacy in a marriage is about the other person and satisfying their needs. It is should an act of love and selflessness.
Because men reach their climax faster than a woman, the woman can start to become  unsatisfied with their sexual intimacy and can thus feeling simply used instead of loved. Intimacy is very important and if their are clear defined boundaries that are not crossed, there can create a bond.

Some challenges that can arise are:
~Women are less satisfied
~Criticism for self or other
~Avoid sexual contact from fear
~Feeling unloved

Some opportunities are:
~Learn to think and care more about others
~More time together
~Close and united
~More opportunities to express yourself
~Forget about yourself and be selfless.
~Learn to please your spouse

Dating to Marriage

Dating
Courtship
Engagement
Marriage

As we date, we need to make sure we just don't slide right into engagement and forget about courtship. Courtship is a very important step because it is here were we lean an awful lot about the person to progress in the relationship or to terminate it. Once your have courted and seen your significant other in different situations, activities, environment, and how they interact with other people, it will help create a stronger bond and connect.

You decide when you would like to ask certain questions before you determine if you would like to plan a future with this person. Questions could include:
How many children to have and when?
Who does the housework?
What are the rules with the in-laws?
Where and what do you do for the holidays?
If there is a difference in opinion, who's wins?
Where to live?
Will the woman take his last name? Keep her own? Hyphenate it?


Establishing good patterns and habits early in marriage will help a marriage through the harder times.

There are transitions that really start the first day of marriage that we have to adapt and/or accommodate to.
Some include:
The roles of husband and wife
Schedule
Sleeping habits/sharing the bed
Eating habits
Spending habits/budgeting
Sharing bathroom, (personal space)
Personal activities

Be of "One flesh and one heart."

Simply Brilliant!

God is the most intelligent Being and always creates ways to prepare us for the future. Today in class we discussed the 3 Ps in dating connected to the 3 Ps for the role of a husband and father in "The Family." How enlightening.

3 Ps for a date                       3 Ps for the Role of a Husband
Planned for >                         Preside
Paid for >                               Provide
Paired off >                            Protect

Dating can either be super fun...or dreadful really. Either way, God has provided a way for men to better understand their roles as a husband and father even before becoming one! For a date to be considered a date, it must be planned, paid for, and paired off (As Elder Oaks explains). As a man plans for what they'll be doing, he is invested and spending time to make it something they both would like to do. He takes the initiative to ask, he is proactive, and puts some effort into showing that he is at least looking forward to the date. He is preparing to preside for his family by doing this, not necessarily making all the decisions by himself, but initiating and making things happen in his family. This can also help him prepare for being the head of household in the family. Having a date paid for doesn't mean you have to go out and spend tons of money, but that he provides the resources for the date. This is helping a man learn how to provide for the family. When a date is paired off, first, there is no confusion as to who is on a date with who, or even knowing if you are even on a date.  During the date, the man should be committed for that evening so she feels secure and emotionally cared for. He is aware of her needs. By taking her out, essentially, he is responsible for her and accountable for his agency. There can be boundaries created for the first date to instill protection. This allows men to prepare for protecting his family. SIMPLY BRILLIANT!

The best predictor of future behavior is based on past behavior and current behavior.
In a relationship there needs to be a sense of togetherness, communication, and quality time spent to better understand each other. As we court we should share a variety of activities and see each other in all "four seasons" to know how someone could react in certain situations. We shouldn't limit ourselves to what we do. We need to go out and have fun doing it! There is casual dating that leads and prepares us for steady dating, that in the end will eventually lead us to a celestial marriage. the way you start your marriage is usually how the marriage will stay. Most women marry thinking "Things will change," but most men marry thinking, "I hope things don't change." We can prepare for our roles as husband and wife as we date now.

One of the BEST talks from this class on dating and marriage is below. I KNOW, I KNOW, who wants to read another talk, but it's THAT good!!

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=215 <<<<READ ME.

I'm a girl.

It is so important to understand gender because there are roles and responsibilities that come with it. We know that our gender was determined before we even got to earth. I believe that when we understand and embrace our gender and our roles, out society would work better and there would be less contention. There is a quote from President Hunter which I love. He states, "I hope the time never comes when women will be brought down to the level with men. When women come to the point of realizing that it is more important to be superior than to be equal, they will find the real joy in living those principles that the Lord has set out in his divine plan."

A boy trying to be a girl and a girl trying to be a boy is not the answer. We can only live up to our divine potential if we understand our gender roles. As we work together in a marriage, we can become unified and be more complete experiencing eternal happiness. Elder Bateman said, "Spiritual growth is enhanced because of the differences" that we have. Gender is key. It is part of the plan. There are some roles that men can accomplish and other that women are better at. Guess what? THAT'S OKAY. Equality doesn't mean that we have to be the same. The analogy of the airplane is a perfect example, wings are needs on both side equally working together, but are opposite.

Men and women complement each other. God made us that way. We can become whole, completed, and perfected as we work together embracing our different gender roles.

Does it Really Matter?

There are many things that categorize our social class. Which class we "belong" to can be dependent on how much money we have or make, status, socialization, behavior, how much money we spend, perceptions, attitudes, location, education, opportunities, advantages, and simply our lifestyle. Whether we realize it or not, we are each part of a social class. It's so interesting to see that so many things influence which social class we belong to. Our social class can affect us in many ways. Usually by simply looks and actions one can tell what social class one is a part of. Can you tell? Does it really matter what social class you belong to?

In this Youtube video below, you can recognize just how much this teenager does not like his social class, so he does what he can to act like he is part of a "higher class" by treating not only his mother poorly, but even his brother. While watching "Tammy's Story" it was really hard not to feel bad for her because of how her oldest son treats her, especially after hearing the life she came from. I'm sure she feels she has done really well for herself considering. She is living in a really low class, and you can just tell she is struggling trying to do the best she can. I also felt bad for the oldest son because he is trying to live as in he is in an "upper class," but apparently part of that is "behavior" treating other poorly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8VXrHeLqBA&feature=related

 

Where are the boundaries and what are the rules?

Every family is considered a system. Each family have their own boundaries and rules. Some boundaries and rules in a family are more evident than in others, but they are there.

What are some rules I have seen in my family?

• Don't roll your eyes.
• Don't talk back, especially to mom because then dad gets mad.
• Pick up your stuff and put it in your room.
• Don't say "shut up" and those type of words.
• Dad can do funny things to everyone else, but if you do it to him, he might get upset.
• Never pick food out of a pot with your hands.
• After asking permission from one parent, we have to ask the other parent as well.
• Clean up after you use something.
• Don't open the door to strangers.

Now we usually know what a "rule" is in the family because we experience the consequences of doing it, or for me, watching my older siblings and not doing something if they got in trouble for it.
Other rules we just know, like turning off the lights when you are not in a room, or turning the air conditioning off if you leave the house.

There are different theories that families can be placed in, and throughout life, that system can change. I'll focus on the Systems Theory. In this theory, the family is viewed more as a whole instead of parts, members of the family have specific roles, there are routines, traditions, rules and boundaries.

"Family boundaries define who’s responsible for what, how parents and children interact, and how the family relates with the outside world." (Paul Hokemeyer)

Three boundaries I'll mention are:

• Clear boundaries- are firm yet flexible (Ideal, highest functioning families)
• Rigid boundaries- family members are isolated, there is not much support or dependency
• Diffused boundaries- there is a blurring of the line between children and parents. It's not clear.

WHAT'S YOUR FAMILY LIKE?

Who knew.

It's sad to think that so many people don't want to have children anymore.There are many reasons for this. I think some reasons are because people feel it is too much of a responsibility, they think they won't be good parents, or they feel they don't have enough money to support a family so why start one. People have become so self-centered, and selfishness is seen all around the world. People don't want responsibilities and some have become lazy. Also, if people don't have very much knowledge on parenting, they might have less confidence that they could raise a child. Most people, whether they think it or not, will discipline their children the way they were disciplined. Once you become a parent, you are always a parent. Parenting is a lifelong responsibility where you constantly have to think about other people's need more then yours. In addition, the world says that if you don't have the money to support a family, you will bring a child into a hard life, so wait.

The trend of cohabitation is on the rise. There are more children born out of wedlock because people are cohabiting and not getting married. Since people are having premarital sex, the likelihood of having children born out of wedlock is increased.  So why aren't people getting married like they did back in the "olden days?" Are there more commitment issues? I think the world used to be pretty black and white, but now I think there is so much gray that people are getting confused as to what is right and what is wrong. We have seen the age that men and women get married has risen. So the age that women have children has increased as well because they didn't get married until their later years.

In a gospel aspect, I know that from the beginning of time God has blessed each one of us with families. The family is central to the Plan that God has created for us to return back to Him. We know that marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God. During class we also learned that divorce is a simple answer to not try to save a relationship. No one get's married to get divorced, but it seems to be easier than just working to fix it. I know that if we do our best to raise our families in a Christ-centered home we will have divine help to guide us back to live with the one that gave us breath. Faith is required for a successful marriage. I think that's a good place to start for many of us, increasing our faith As we become and strive to become better each day, when we find the person we want to marry, we will be able draw the powers of heaven to help us grow closer together. Families are meant to give us a taste of the eternal happiness we seek for after this life. Though sometimes we might not feel that way, it is. I know that if we do our best to be true to what we know and understand, God will help us to feel what is right and then act.

Mosiah 2:41
"And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and ^ahappy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are ^bblessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out ^cfaithful to the end they are received into ^dheaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

This documentary is very interesting to learn about how the decline of fertility is effecting the world and many people do not even realize it. From this documentary, we see that in the future, there will be so many more problems in the world all because people aren't having children. The economy will be having big problems. Is having more children the solution? Is there even a solution? Should we even care? This show is super intriguing! Watch it :-)

http://www.byutv.org/watch/59b6b917-984a-478f-93b1-521a647779c4/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-1

http://www.byutv.org/watch/b3dfa9f3-6e20-4d64-af96-fbf3fd64670a/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-2

You made it!

If you have gotten this far, you've done well! The purpose of this blog is to share my thoughts, opinions, stories, and insights I have learned in my Family Relations class. Since families are so important and we are all striving to have a happy family, I hope to share knowledge I've gained to help others. Everything we do here in our families will ultimately effect our future. I hope as I make connections in this family relations class, I will be able to apply it not only in my family now, but my future family.

Please feel free to comment and let my know what you think...I want your input! Thank you!